Sharks. Ferocious sea beasts that patrol the oceans, looking to slake their thirst for human blood by chomping down on some innocent beach-goer’s dangling legs. The innate fear of sharks is understandable, they lurk underwater where no one can see them. The irrational fear of sharks comes from things like the movie Jaws and Shark Week. The reality is, sharks attack 50 to 75 people each year, with only 8 to 12 attacks being fatal. Now, I’m sure those 50 to 75 shark bites aren’t much fun either, but let’s be real here, there are a lot of other ways you’re more likely to die. Such as:

Driving Your Car to the Beach. Way, way more dangerous. In 2009, over 33,000 people were killed in motor vehicle crashes in the United States, almost 93 per day. Now, it’s unlikely you’ll die in beach traffic since you’ll probably be traveling at the fender-bending but not skull-cracking speed of 4 miles per hour as you watch rollerbladers pass you, but have a few Coronas before heading out, and you might as well call it a life. Or maybe you’d just like to snack on some tasty, non-alcoholic treats while waiting in traffic. Not a good idea, you’ll probably…

Choke to Death on Gummy Sharks. And yes, I mean gummy sharks. About 3,000 people die each year due to obstruction during ingestion. Amongst children, 19% were due to candy, 12.5% of that being gummy or otherwise soft candies. That’s about 4 kids a year, and while adults are more adept at chewing (and probably eat fewer gummy sharks), simply enjoying a snack is much more dangerous than any shark. If you do manage to survive the car ride, you might want to think twice before getting a real meal once you get to the beach, because you’re even more likely to die…

Eating Fish. About 5,000 people in the United States die every year due to food-borne diseases. Sure, that shark is a big scary fish, but the mahi-mahi that got left out on the counter of Tugboat Bob’s Seafood Shanty is much more dangerous. Well, it’s not so much the fish itself as the little fellas crawling all about it. Makes shark attacks seem much more reasonable; they don’t want to hurt people, they just want their food fresh. Oh, and if you do pick something well cooked, remember to wait 30 minutes before going swimming, otherwise you might…

Drown. Over 3,000 people drown each year, regardless of stomach contents (although, drinking and swimming is always a bad idea). And if you’re male and a minority, swimming in the ocean is as dangerous as heading out with the crew of the Starship Enterprise. Let’s assume you decide to stay out of the water, and lay out on the warm, safe beach instead. Uh oh, looks like you’re trying to get…

Skin Cancer. Yes, it is caused by exposure to the sun, and it kills about 8,000 people every year. As Kurt Vonnegut never suggested, you should always wear sunscreen.

So by now you’re probably saying, “screw it, I’ll take my chances with the sharks.” Good! It’s completely irrational to be afraid of something that has less chance of killing you than a lightning bolt or a forklift. But, do remember, if you are one of those unfortunate 50 to 75 people who were attacked by a shark, there’s more bad news: you might just die of an infection in the hospital. The hospital you’re holed up in is swimming with little fellas who’d like to hole up in your bloodstream. While the number of deaths due to infections isn’t concrete, studies estimate it to be around 10,000 per year. Sure, the odds of living without hospital care is pretty slim, but you’re not out of the woods yet.

Have a fun Summer everyone!